Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Funny Cards: Hector "Goodness Gracious" Wintub

Today's funny card spotlights one of the stranger players in whatever league these players are in.

Hector "Goodness Gracious" Wintub is apparently the catcher for the Choice Sirloin Sox. I say "apparently" because the front of this card is sending a ton of mixed signals.

As you can see, Hector is listed as a catcher (the card very helpfully tells us that "catchers catch the ball") and the card, from the "Roxaleenia Set," lists his team as the Choice Sirloin Sox in the header. He is clearly wearing a Sox jersey in the picture. However, the card also tells us that he was "traded to Bonbotomy" and that he is "now with Chinchillas." Hmm.

Wintub also seems to play in a league where the catcher stands in front of home plate while the batter (our cousin Steve Zola in this instance) stands next to the plate and faces the third base dugout.

Hector's uniform, as you can see, is made up of a relatively standard-looking baseball jersey, huge bell bottom pants and a catcher's mitt that looks like some sort of lobster claw.

Maybe the back will help explain this insanity.

Hmm... no such luck.

It seems that Hector, who has no nose, has had a very sporadic career, missing stretches of three to six years at a time on more than one occasion.

In 1988, he played for Ra-Limo, getting injured twice and being liked by only ten percent of fans. In 1989, he played for Mashatmo where his number of injuries increased by one and his like-ness percentage dropped by four tenths of a point. Apparently this was unacceptable because Wintub followed up that season by dropping out of baseball for six years.

Re-emerging in 1995 with the H. Ross Perots, he smacked nineteen homers, only had "a few" injuries and posted the highest like-ness percentage of his career.

Three years later he played for the Twins, walloping twenty five round-trippers, playing the whole season injury-free, and tying for the league lead in like-ness percentage... with a .09% likeness rating? I have to admit, I now have no idea what this category is supposed to track.

Another three years go by and the Bob Barker Nunheeb Tribe signs him up only to have him get injured ninety times that season. For crying out loud.

His bio reads:

"Wintub was traded from the Bob Barker Nunheeb Tribe to the Choice Sirloin Sox for manager Chup Scotlock and 2nd base coach Umpire McLewiston."

That seems like an unprecedented move, trading a catcher for a manager and a coach. I didn't even know baseball had second base coaches.

Finally, the "70's Corner" portion of the card offers up a "Baseball Majic Word Scramble"


That's a head scratcher all right...

Oh, and we never did find out what "Bonbotomy" was or what "now with Chinchillas" meant.

Goodness gracious indeed.

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