Funny Cards: Hector "Goodness Gracious" Wintub

Today's funny card spotlights one of the stranger players in whatever league these players are in.

Hector "Goodness Gracious" Wintub is apparently the catcher for the Choice Sirloin Sox. I say "apparently" because the front of this card is sending a ton of mixed signals.


As you can see, Hector is listed as a catcher (the card very helpfully tells us that "catchers catch the ball") and the card, from the "Roxaleenia Set," lists his team as the Choice Sirloin Sox in the header. He is clearly wearing a Sox jersey in the picture. However, the card also tells us that he was "traded to Bonbotomy" and that he is "now with Chinchillas." Hmm.

Wintub also seems to play in a league where the catcher stands in front of home plate while the batter (our cousin Steve Zola in this instance) stands next to the plate and faces the third base dugout.

Hector's uniform, as you can see, is made up of a relatively standard-looking baseball jersey, huge bell bottom pants and a catcher's mitt that looks like some sort of lobster claw.

Maybe the back will help explain this insanity.


Hmm... no such luck.

It seems that Hector, who has no nose, has had a very sporadic career, missing stretches of three to six years at a time on more than one occasion.

In 1988, he played for Ra-Limo, getting injured twice and being liked by only ten percent of fans. In 1989, he played for Mashatmo where his number of injuries increased by one and his like-ness percentage dropped by four tenths of a point. Apparently this was unacceptable because Wintub followed up that season by dropping out of baseball for six years.

Re-emerging in 1995 with the H. Ross Perots, he smacked nineteen homers, only had "a few" injuries and posted the highest like-ness percentage of his career.

Three years later he played for the Twins, walloping twenty five round-trippers, playing the whole season injury-free, and tying for the league lead in like-ness percentage... with a .09% likeness rating? I have to admit, I now have no idea what this category is supposed to track.

Another three years go by and the Bob Barker Nunheeb Tribe signs him up only to have him get injured ninety times that season. For crying out loud.

His bio reads:

"Wintub was traded from the Bob Barker Nunheeb Tribe to the Choice Sirloin Sox for manager Chup Scotlock and 2nd base coach Umpire McLewiston."

That seems like an unprecedented move, trading a catcher for a manager and a coach. I didn't even know baseball had second base coaches.

Finally, the "70's Corner" portion of the card offers up a "Baseball Majic Word Scramble"

TiNSAbA McPhoLALA

That's a head scratcher all right...

Oh, and we never did find out what "Bonbotomy" was or what "now with Chinchillas" meant.

Goodness gracious indeed.

2002 Upper Deck Vintage Needs

Updated 4/22/08, here are the cards I'm still missing from the 2002 Upper Deck Vintage set:

3, 7, 19, 33, 46, 62, 69, 70, 72, 74, 75, 78, 79, 81, 110, 117, 148, 150, 180, 183, 185, 188, 218, 220, 247, 250, 254, 276, 277

Funny Cards: Forlona Gretzky

My brother and I were always interested in expanding out hobbies to encompass other hobbies we had. I'm sure we didn't do this with any conscious thought; it just seemed to happen all the time.

Along with collecting baseball cards, another of our big hobbies was drawing. Naturally, it took very little time to combine the two and start drawing our own cards.

We didn't draw real players. That was no fun to us. We liked to make stuff up whenever possible, so we used real major league teams and filled them out with our own cast of characters.

At first, the cards were really simple. Since the first baseball cards we collected (and therefore the only cards available for reference material) were '88 Topps, our cards looked a lot like '88 Topps cards. We had the little 45-degree angle banner in the bottom right with the player's name and the team name in big letters up top and that left us a lot of room on the index card to draw the players' picture.

The players we created in 1988 appeared on various cards over the years until 1995, which was the last year we made a serious effort to draw a new set. Every year we added new rookies. Maybe some players retired, maybe some players got traded. We tried to make sure the backs of the cards reflected this made up history accurately.

At first, the backs served only to provide the most basic info. We had the player's birthdate, which hand he threw with, if he batted lefty or righty, and a year by year breakdown of which teams he had played for. 1995 was the only year, however, that we included actual stats on the backs of the cards. Before that, a player's yearly output was represented by squiggly lines running horizontally across the card.

We drew in pen for some reason, and we were bound to make mistakes, so there were lots of half-finished cards floating around as a result.

Somewhere along the way we had the brilliant idea to "finish" these cards in the most insane way possible, filling them out with ridiculous statistical categories and turning these players into guys no one in their right mind would ever want on their team.

Eventually, this got to be more fun than drawing the "real" cards and as late as 2001 we were still drawing these completely off-the-wall misfits.

At my parents house this weekend, my brother and I spen an hour or so going through all these cards and laughing hysterically. I figured that baseball card fans might appreciate some of them, so I'll scan and post the more hilarious ones. And really, you do sort of have to be a baseball/baseball card fan to appreciate some of the humor.

First up on the hit list is Forlona Gretzky.


As you can see, Forlona is the mascot-slash-first baseman for the Pottsberg Pirates. He also appears to be some sort of actual pirate himself, sporting an eyepatch, hoop earring and a shiny (gold?) tooth.

The back of the card is where things really get hilarious.


Right off the bat, we have some fancy interpretation of his name, using two totally different typefaces for first and last.

His "Fun Facts" are that he is "... a father of many fathers!" and also "He spends money!"

The statistical categories on back are extremely specific, highlighting "Shots Heard 'Round The World," "Times Seen Cackling Like A Chicken, " and "Shortest Distance From Second Base On Attempted Steals." As ever, categories in which he led the league are denoted in italics, with a diamond added if he tied for the league lead in something.

At this point in his career, he had played five years for five different teams. In 1997, while playing for "L.A." he led the league with 128 times seen cackling like a chicken. He also fared well in that category in 1998, cackling 116 times for the "Lou Easy Undies" to tie for the league lead.

For the Pirates in 2000, he was only 9/16 of an inch away from stealing his first base ever, and the info at the bottom of the card reveals that Gretzky is "a well-travelled veteran" who "plans to steal one base before retirement."

I wonder if he ever did...

Let's Trade: 2008 Topps Heritage

Updated 4/29/08, here is my want list for 2008 Topps Heritage, along with the doubles I have available for trade. Right now, I'm mainly interested in just completing the very basic green-back set. After I've done that, then I'll be more likely to try and get all the black backs and insert subsets.

2008 Topps Heritage Needs:

7, 11, 16, 22, 60, 61, 81, 82, 84, 91, 98, 110, 117, 135, 150, 177, 228, 231, 323, 330, 335, 336, 338, 370, 411, 415, 418, 421, 426, 429, 430, 433, 435, 436, 437, 438, 443, 444, 445, 446, 447, 455, 456, 457, 458, 464, 465, 467, 468, 469, 477, 479, 481, 482, 485, 487, 490, 492, 493, 494, 497, 499, 500


2008 Topps Heritage Doubles:

1, 14, 27, 30, 31, 33, 33, 36, 46, 47, 51, 51, 51, 53, 53, 55, 59, 64, 65, 69, 75, 77, 77, 85, 86, 87, 93, 101, 105, 105, 105, 108, 111, 111, 115, 118, 121, 121, 123, 129, 132, 134, 134, 138, 138, 140, 143, 151, 152, 156, 160, 165, 166, 170, 171, 189, 189, 189, 190, 199, 200, 202, 204, 205, 211, 213, 214, 215, 215, 216, 217, 220, 233, 235, 236, 237, 238, 240, 242, 245, 247, 248, 248, 248, 253, 255, 255, 260, 260, 260, 261, 264, 265, 268, 269, 269, 272, 273, 273, 273, 276, 279, 280, 283, 283, 291, 291, 294, 294, 296, 298, 299, 304, 307, 312, 316, 316, 317, 317, 317, 325, 326, 328, 333, 334, 340, 341, 345, 346, 348, 352, 353, 353, 357, 358, 358, 362, 363, 364, 368, 372, 374, 378, 380, 383, 384, 387, 389, 390, 390, 394, 394, 395, 396, 397, 398, 400, 402, 403, 404, 405, 406, 414, 414, 419, 423, 461, 476, 478, 478

Black-Back Doubles:

18, 28, 65, 71, 197, 211, 265, 283, 283, 283, 286, 350, 360

Short Print Doubles:

461

There is, of course, one short print that I am especially looking for:



Consider this card "always in need."

Things Done To Cards

Steve from White Sox Cards has recently opened up his Things Done To Cards blog to anyone who wants to write for it.

Here's my first post.

When you're done with that, read all the other posts on that site too.

Pack-Breakin' Time: 1991 Topps Cello

A couple of days ago, I decided to get another hobby box of 2008 Topps Heritage. Well, I can't just go and get one box and be done with it. No no. I have to satisfy my urge to open with a few boxes of easily affordable packs.

In addition to the box of Heritage, I also picked up a 1992 Donruss series one box, a 1992 Topps Stadium Club series two box, and a 1991 Topps Cello box, from which this pack was pulled.

As you can see it would have cost a dollar in 1991. I've never opened a pack at work before. This is my first. Let's dig in!

Well, actually, hang on. As you can see on the wrapper, this was the year Topps randomly inserted one of every card they ever made between 1951 and 1990. I've personally never known anyone who pulled so much as 1986 common, let alone a 1957 Mantle or something. Oh well. Here's to hope. Now let's dig in.




769 Tim Sherrill
334 Todd Benzinger
529 Marc Newfield (#1 Draft Pick)
735 Ron Darling
706 Brad Arnsberg
152 Mickey Hatcher
14 Dennis Lamp
20 Pedro Guerrero
101 Rob Ducey
488 Jeff Manto





















This is a cool card. Manto was a great player for the Buffalo Bisons in the mid to late 90s. His number 30 is only the third number to be retired by the team.

386 Cecil Fielder AS
365 Mike Schooler
140 Fred McGriff





















492 Ernie Whitt
514 Mike Stanton
619 David Wells
194 Xavier Hernandez
55 Jeffrey Leonard
747 Tony Fossas
759 Oscar Azocar
641 Mike Henneman
353 Tony Castillo
280 Bret Saberhagen





















I just saw him on the Field Of Dreams DVD talking with Kevin Costner, Johnny Bench and George Brett.

Topps Instant Win Game
655 Erik Hanson
579 Roger Craig MGR
558 Otis Nixon
485 Terry Pendleton
671 Andy McGaffigan
21 Joe Morgan MGR
284 Billy Spiers
377 Rene Gonzales
454 Kevin Appier (Trophy Card)
563 Brent Knackert
420 Bobby Thigpen





















Overall, not too bad. I feel like if I had paid a dollar for this pack back in 1991, I would have been pretty pleased. No random retro Topps card, but a few big names for the time (McGriff, Fielder, Appier, Thigpen), a couple managers and a number one draft pick makes for a decent selection.

Oh, and then there's Oscar Azocar:

Why? Why? Why?

I can afford it, really.

I'm not in dire straits by any means.

Maybe I don't have as much of a savings as the next guy, but I do okay.

Then why do I feel bad about just buying another hobby box of Topps Heritage for 69 bucks?